I just want to start off by thanking my family and friends for helping me through this period of my life. For mentors, friends, and coworkers that spoke on my behalf. To the governor and his team who got in contact with the White House to help me out of this situation. Mom and dad, you two are my absolute rocks and I am so thankful for your strength and being there for me.

It's not easy for me to talk about very dark things...I've tried with friends, family, & therapists. I still have trouble with it. Writing my feelings has always been easier. (Not-so-fun-fact: I still haven't found a therapist I can really connect with). To my family, friends, & boyfriend, if you're reading this, I'm sorry if this pains you. I still find it very difficult to talk about verbally. But know that I am okay! Even better than okay. 

I can't remember the exact day this was, I’ve tried so hard to suppress this memory & bury it deep deep down, but it happened in the fall of 2018. The worst and hardest period of my life was the summer and fall of 2018. This was supposed to be a celebratory time for me. A time where I should have been celebrating a milestone, accepting a new job, enjoying my last month in sunny San Diego, & making the big move to Nashville. 

I've dealt with issues in the past: emotional trauma, cheating, bullying (as a child, adolescent, & adult), physical abuse, racism and I have always been able to deal/work somewhat through it. I’ve been told I’m not good enough, I’m weak for showing emotion, bullied for my size, told I’m a ditz and stupid because I try to be bubbly (which is a defense mechanism, btw), the list goes on and on.But this was something different. This absolutely destroyed and crushed me & I couldn’t see a way out. I was filled with hopelessness, shame, dread, and just felt physically ill. People who know me have heard this story, but I’ve never told anyone about the day that changed everything.

I won't go into too many details, but I got in trouble for something very minuscule. To this day I still think it was minor and I was taken advantage of and publicly humiliated and bullied. Someone who had direct authority over me reported me to upper leadership. I was placed on a legal hold & threatened by a lawyer that I could be court-martialed. Everything I worked for and wanted to keep was ripped away and I was at a standstill. I felt dehumanized, an animal on display… I was made an example of. Having to show your place in the workplace, get repeatedly drug tested (FYI I never did any drugs). I had to live with hearing people talk about me in the workplace, dealt with the most judgemental looks, & had to work through it. I had to put on a brave face, push through working as a nurse under the most stressful and traumatic experience of my life. I was in the middle of selling my condo, living in it without furniture, & living out of suitcases. Luckily I was able to sell my condo, but then I had to worry about renting AirBnBs for a week at a time. I wasn't given the grace to stay home & take time to cope or deal with the matter. To this very day this whole experience still haunts me. Oh gosh, I still remember my DIVO and DH at the time, talking about it to me openly at the nurses station where people could hear... co-workers, patients, and their families. I’ve never been in a more toxic environment. It was all too much. I remember feeling so physically sick at work I had to run to the bathroom multiple times between seeing patients to throw up and cry, force myself to recollect myself, hold cold paper towels over my eyes, put a bunch of Visine in my eyes, & slow down my breath so I could go back to work. I remember having a panic attack in the psychologist’s office, struggling to breathe, feeling all my muscles cramp up, & just shaking on the verge of fainting. I was started on a low dose of medication, which helped some, but not enough. To make matters worse, I just kept getting bad news after bad news from my superiors at work. My depression and anxiety were bad, but took over my life in a way that I could not go on with regular everyday activities. 

I don't regret many things, but I do regret this because it was the biggest wake-up call of my life. I attempted suicide by combining prescription, over-the-counter medicine, & alcohol. I regret this day so so much, I've tried to bury it deep deep down. I was lucky that this didn't end up taking my life, that I woke up the next morning feeling like absolute crud. I'm glad I survived it, but also I wish I could have prevented this by talking to someone. Don't get me wrong, when I was living in California I had so much support from friends, family, & relatives but this was something so dark I just couldn't build myself up the courage to talk about it to anyone. I didn't want to pain anyone, burden anyone, or cause worry... It just got to a point where I could not see any light or way out of the situation. I just wanted life to end right then & there. I thank God, the Universe, my guardian angel, and my angel baby of a dog named Missy everyday that I survived.

I knew one day I wanted to write about this. I just never knew it would come so soon. I don't know what it is, but I am compelled to share this today. I was supposed to share a new recipe today. (I’ll still share it, I promise). Mental health is a HUGE deal. I feel there is a need for more awareness, resources, support, & education for those that are suffering from it. There is so much negative stigma to mental health & I wish I had the courage to seek help before this happened. I could have benefitted from intensive therapy, but I didn’t have the guts then to ask. I think that's why I am so passionate about mental health, self care, & personal development now.

If you are struggling, I want you to know that you are not alone. You matter. You’ve had a direct impact on someone just by them knowing you. If you’re feeling alone or going through tough times, I pray that you learn from this and seek the help of a loved one. 

Every situation is different, but know you don’t have to belittle your own experiences and feelings because other people have it worse, or you think you shouldn’t feel this way. Just believe and keep telling yourself to keep pushing through. You’ll overcome this struggle in your life. I'm on that other side now & let me tell you, there hasn't been a moment since that dark period in 2018 where I haven't thanked the Universe for allowing me to still be alive today. I am the happiest I have ever been in my life now. I am healthy & finally in a good place where I have the courage to stand up for myself and make myself a priority. You can ask the people in my life now that I have no shame in showing emotion now. I allow myself to feel all the things. I surround myself with people who lift me up & radiate good vibes. I still struggle, every day is different. I've had to have my medication dosages adjusted, even medications added since I started them over 2 years ago, but I am coping so much better. Notice I said better, not perfectly. I put myself first and make time to do the things I love and treat myself.

Here are things I do to help take care of myself:

Snuggle up with my dog, talk with a friend, cook, garden and look at my houseplants, read, watch super cheesy rom-coms, exercise, sit in the sauna, treat myself to a massage, facial, or get my hair done, and just sit with a good cup of coffee or tea and let the music fill my soul.

I hope every person in the world feels that they are loved and have someone. If you’re like me and don’t like actually conversing about it, write to someone or me. You don’t have to walk through life alone. You only have one life...cherish it and learn from the hard times.